So the other day at work, I was standing glazed eyed behind my cash register while an overly angry parent explained to me that she wanted to return a video game because it just “wasn’t as good as they thought it was going to be.” I was there. I swear I was. But my brain was pretty much perusing exotic mushrooms in Wonderland. This whole situation was just about as important to me as a bee on the bumwax of a T-Rex. Bumwax. That’s a fun word. I don’t know what it means, or whether it’s real or not but I’m going to use it.
“Sixty dollars. I spent sixty dollars on this item that I have obviously used because I am talking about it in great detail.”
Anyway, I have this skill. It’s like magic. I’m able to take the blibbering of anyone that comes up to that cash register to complain to me and just drown it out. It’s like that annoying neighborhood dog that barks at anything that moves. You know it’s doing it. You know it’s really annoying. And most importantly, you know that you want to kick it all the way into the stone age, but you just can’t thanks to those damn social norms.
“Then he just took out the gun and the alien died. What kind of message are you trying to send by selling this? That killing aliens is real? I don’t want my son growing up thinking that an alien invasion could happen any-“
So I stood there, while she barked away at me about I dunno bad graphics or something? Eh. Unimportant. What was really important at the time was what kind of superpower I’d have if I was a super villain. You see, most people think of what they’d have if they were a super-HERO. No no no no no. Let’s just close that road down and set up a detour to coolville. See the villains get minions, badass costumes, and generally awesome powers. But what would mine be?
“No, I don’t want another game I just want my money back because I wanted to just play this game for free then bitch about it until-“
I guess the best way to choose one would be to just like picture someone that I really didn’t like and figure out what the most satisfying way to dispatch them would be.
“So after I beat the game, I put it back in again just to see if maybe I missed something-“
While zombies rose out of the ground ready to devour this lady’s brains and then defile her corpse in the most comical way possible, my manager was coming to her rescue hopping onto her register to give this lady exactly what she wanted.
As the lady stormed off in a huff I said exactly what was on my mind. “They would call me Doctor Styx! Because of the river!”
Happy Fourth of July everyone,
Costello
