She's a guest on my ship. SHES A GUEST ON MY SHIIIIIP!!

Hitch Hikers fans out there?  Anyone?  While the craziness of summer ensues, I'd like to introduce one of our guest writers, Ann.   If you're interested in venting, or you just want a soapbox to stand on, shoot me an email, we'll work something out.
      Hugs n Kisses, my lovlies! 
    -Costello







Now, I'm 24 and I run a bed and breakfast. I'm unfazed by the guests exclaiming that I'm the youngest innkeeper they have ever seen. Despite the fact that I'm young for this, ahem, line of work, it doesn't make me an idiot. And now that I have been in the business for one full year today, I figure I have earned at least a bit of expertise in the business, and I have a few things to say about people who stay as guests.

Most innkeepers have no problem with special requests. I will go out of my way to do something for a guest, even if it sounds ridiculous, granted they asked in a polite manner. If you're going to be a douche bag, you can expect to receive the lopsided muffin next morning during breakfast.

Contrary to popular belief, innkeeping isn't all baking cookies and muffins. No, we are the gardeners, maids, toilet scrubbers, silver polishers, and secretaries. And no, we're not rich. If an innkeeper is lucky enough to actually own the place, they are usually tied down to it in order to make ends meet. People don't do this for the money. Before you open your both to say something catty for no reason, remember who is serving you breakfast in the morning.

No, I don't resort to spitting in food or anything like that, but I will trim off the edges of your bacon and eat them for myself, which in my opinion, is just as evil. I will give you the darkest pancakes, and I will trim the bacon so that you're missing out on about half of a piece. And yeah, I will give you the smallest plate of cookies. It might not seem like much, but in a business where I have to be subservient at all times, a bit of rebellion feels pretty sweet. Tastes sweet, too.

Sometimes you can be the sweetest person in the world, but you leave your room in a wreck. Keep reading; I promise I won't bite.

Now, let's be adults here, if only for a moment. We know that humans have hair on their entire bodies, and not just their head. Now that being said, no one wants to clean a bathroom that looks like you broke open a pinata filled with pubes. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't get paid much to do this. And I don't care how much you do make doing this; it's disgusting. No one wants to see your souvenir from your trip to Wankington, Fappville, or wherever it was you decided to go last night.

On the subject of hair, don't give yourself a haircut in the bathroom! If you must, at least try to make the hair into the basket. This isn't nearly as bad as the previous issue, but it's a nightmare to clean up. Here's a novel idea: cut your hair BEFORE you go on vacation!

And last, but not least. For pity's sake, flush the toilet when you leave. Yeah, I know it's not a big deal for me to flush it, so why don't you do it instead? I don't want to see the remnants of that burrito place you went yesterday for lunch. It's bad enough that I'm going to have to scrub it out of the toilet. Think of it as a courtesy flush.

That being said, you now know how to keep your innkeeper happy and get treated like kings at a bed and breakfast. Or piss off your innkeeper. I suppose it's really up to you.

      -Ann

Gruhak: It's internet speak for "Rockin Out"

                Welcome once again to The Bones, loyal viewers!  Quick announcement:  We’ve officially broken a thousand hits!  Thanks guys.  Really.  That’s awesome sauce.  Keep on coming by and keep on sending out the links.  This is all you!

                I was mucking about on the interwebs today when I stumbled across something marvelous.  Not something cool.  Not something pretty good.  This shyte is flipping MARVELOUS and I don’t know why I haven’t heard of these guys before.  It’s a little band called Gruhak  and I know next to nothing about them.

                On the facebook, my friend told me that she had never ever heard a Led Zeppelin song.  This was a travesty that I felt must be righted, so I went straight on over to the youtubes and I did a quick search for some of the essentials.  (The Immigrant Song, Ramble On, Misty Mountain Hop and the like.)  On a search for the Immigrant Song I found these guys.  A cover of a Led Zeppelin song?  Yeah.  I’ve never heard one of THOSE.  (Rolls Eyes)  But I’m all about music and the picture looked like my buddies rocking out in their garage so I just had to click it.

                It’s not every day that I’m surprised like this.  (Like really pleasantly surprised.)  But this was one day where I would feel that glee.  The only thing that I can say is “solid.”  Not just a solid representation of the song, but a solid band.  I flipped through some other covers of theirs and you can just tell that either these guys had recorded about eighty billion takes of this, or they worked REALLY well together.  I’m choosing to believe the second part. 

                They do covers of other bands and I’m going to be honest, that singer is versatile.  If you ever happen to read these words, man:  I salute you.  I salute your guitarist too.  I salute you not only for your skill, but for your honesty about what you do.  Right on one of the videos I watched, I think it was one of the Led Zep ones, a viewer commented something to the lines of “Dude.  That solo was great.  Better than the original.  How did you do it?”  The guitarist replied with “I was feeling lazy that day, so it’s a dumbed down version of the original.”  Then he actually posted the chords in the response.  That is a freaking musician.  THAT is the kind of people that I like to see.  None of this big headed prickish snark that you get so often, just a guy that (I assume) enjoys what he does and is just having a good time with it.  Maybe I’m wrong, but in this case, I’ll be happy being wrong.

                I know I just picked out the guitarist and the singer, but the WHOLE freaking band is solid.  Great energy on their videos and either well rehearsed or very skillful.  Can it be both?  Maybe it can.  I especially love that in almost every video they’ve got cigs hanging out the corner of their mouth as they play.

                They have a website.  It’s at the bottom.  Go to their youtube channel first.  Tell me that that singer doesn’t capture that mouthful of gravel that Morrison sings with on those Doors covers.  And don’t be afraid to dig their original work too.  It’s not half bad.

                Fantasy will set you free,

                                -Costello 

Gruhak Youtube Channel:   http://www.youtube.com/user/Gruhak

Gruhak Band Page:  http://www.gruhak.com/

About as Important as a Bee on the Bumwax of a T-Rex

                So the other day at work, I was standing glazed eyed behind my cash register while an overly angry parent explained to me that she wanted to return a video game because it just “wasn’t as good as they thought it was going to be.”  I was there.  I swear I was.  But my brain was pretty much perusing exotic mushrooms in Wonderland.  This whole situation was just about as important to me as a bee on the bumwax of a T-Rex.  Bumwax.  That’s a fun word.  I don’t know what it means, or whether it’s real or not but I’m going to use it.

                “Sixty dollars.  I spent sixty dollars on this item that I have obviously used because I am talking about it in great detail.”

                Anyway, I have this skill.  It’s like magic.  I’m able to take the blibbering of anyone that comes up to that cash register to complain to me and just drown it out.  It’s like that annoying neighborhood dog that barks at anything that moves.  You know it’s doing it.  You know it’s really annoying.  And most importantly, you know that you want to kick it all the way into the stone age, but you just can’t thanks to those damn social norms. 

                “Then he just took out the gun and the alien died.  What kind of message are you trying to send by selling this?  That killing aliens is real?  I don’t want my son growing up thinking that an alien invasion could happen any-“

                So I stood there, while she barked away at me about I dunno bad graphics or something?  Eh.  Unimportant.  What was really important at the time was what kind of superpower I’d have if I was a super villain.  You see, most people think of what they’d have if they were a super-HERO.  No no no no no.  Let’s just close that road down and set up a detour to coolville.  See the villains get minions, badass costumes, and generally awesome powers.  But what would mine be?

                “No, I don’t want another game I just want my money back because I wanted to just play this game for free then bitch about it until-“

                I guess the best way to choose one would be to just like picture someone that I really didn’t like and figure out what the most satisfying way to dispatch them would be.

                “So after I beat the game, I put it back in again just to see if maybe I missed something-“

                While zombies rose out of the ground ready to devour this lady’s brains and then defile her corpse in the most comical way possible, my manager was coming to her rescue hopping onto her register to give this lady exactly what she wanted. 

                As the lady stormed off in a huff I said exactly what was on my mind.  “They would call me Doctor Styx!  Because of the river!”

                Happy Fourth of July everyone,

                                Costello

A Factory Reject.

                 So a little while back I submitted this for a freelance job at a big fancy blog.  Long story short, I guess that they did not like it.  I still thought it was pretty funny, so here's a factory reject for you guys.  Hope it's better than they seemed to think it was.

The Lights are on, but Nobody's Home.

                I work in a video game store.  I see parents coming in all the time with their kids.  Oh the kids I have seen!  Oh the parents I have laid eyes on!  Every once in a while though, there’s that gem.  That one event that the gods allow me to bear witness to that just fills me with glee.  It’s like that moment when a screaming little girl on an airplane finally gets yelled at.  Those little moments when I realize that these parents know what they’re doing.  They pull out their six shooters and finally say to those kids “Okay buddy.  Make your move.”  Then they shoot without warning.  This was one of those times.  I wish that I had brought popcorn.

                The other day a young dad and his thirteen year oldish son came into the store that I work at.  “I want that one dad.”  The kid said to his father with that slight eye roll I had seen so many times working around video games.  This was a kid who totally expected to get exactly what he demanded.  I’ve seen plenty of doormat parents and I obviously assumed “Why sure little man!” was going to pour forth from the mans mouth. 

                There’s something that happens to the parents of teenagers.  A switch gets flipped somewhere in their heads.  Eventually, dealing with those little buggers becomes a bit too much.  I have to agree.  There are only so many times that a greasy, pimply, rotted out fruit of my loins could demand that the world be handed to him on a silver platter before I pulled out an uzi on him/her. 

                I was quite mistaken when I assumed that this dad was going to give his son that video game.  I was, in fact, about to witness a monumental event in their relationship.  I was about to witness the flipping of the switch.  Excitement consumed me.  I saw the tell tale signs.  Dad put on that overly happy face.  His smile dripped sarcasm and when his gaze met his son there were sparks.  Sparks of joy.  This was his chance to finally lay into that little beasty.

                “Well I want you to get a job.” 

                AAAAAAAH!  There it was!  Yes!  I literally stepped out from behind my counter and gave him a high five.  I kid you not.  I get a lot of parents in the store that I work at.  We sell video games.  It’s a given.  Never had I seen a devil-child dealt with so swiftly and with such tact!

                The kid was dumbfounded.  This was entirely new territory for him.  It was sort of like a light bulb flickered for a moment.  I would assume that it’s about the same feeling that a caveman had the first time he realized fire was hot.

                “Hey Ugh.  Why don’t you stick your hand into that pretty light.”

                “Why what a fantastic idea, Gorg.  I will indeed place my extremity into this wonderful warm light.  What could possibly go wrong?”

                Pain.  Silence.   A general feeling of “The lights are on but nobody’s home.”

                Really the only difference between the caveman and this young lad was that the caveman in this example only made his mistake once.  This kid went back for seconds.  I have to hand it to dear old dad though.  He stuck to his guns.

                I think that we can all learn something by looking at these parents.  Sometimes while visualizing how we will push them off cliffs, we forget that these children are our future.  In an effort to stave off an entire population of sarcastic, lazy, mouth breathers, maybe it would be a good idea to throw a little of their snark straight back at them.  Maybe then they’ll learn.  Just maybe.

     So what do you guys think?

                  -Costello

Roll Them Eyeballs Over This.

                Welcome back once more to The Bones.  Your one stop shop for everything groovy.

                 Today I had The Passenger by Iggy Pop stuck in my head.  And you know what?  It was alright.  I spent plenty of time shuffling around muttering “La la la la la de la laaaa” under my breath.  Sometimes it’s nice to have a song stuck in your head when it’s actually a decent one.  Last one that was up in my old noodle was that Chumba Wumba song, the name of which I shall not utter here, let it start it again.  That.  Was hellish.  Mostly because it’s one of those songs where I know about one line of lyrics and it just goes through my head over and over again.  Drives me nuts! 

                Anyway, todays post is actually about a comic.  The passenger brought it to my mind because the comic actually referenced the song a while back.  (Anything that is hip enough to groove out to Iggy Pop is fine in my book.)  It’s called Octopus Pie and it’s actually really good.  (Not tasty, but interesting!)  You get to follow the adventures of this uptight lady named Eve and her pothead room mate Hanna as they have their crazy escapades through New York.   One of the things that I really like about it is that they don’t really focus on a drugs are bad or drugs are good message.  It’s just a simple character trait so it never really feels preachy one way or the other.  It’s an all around fun comic, I really recommend it. 

                Another good one that I’ve been getting into, while we’re on the subject of comics, is called Questionable Content.  It’s hard to go into any detail about this one because the storyline is so complex.  It’s like watching a comedy drama about being in your twenties.  With a robot.  And a girl with OCD.  They reference World of Warcraft once in a while too, which is how I actually got into it.  It’s a comic about hipsters for hipsters and it’s just a great thing to lay eyes on. 

                So what’s so great about comics?  Well the awesome thing about these is that they are actually web comics.  They’re published entirely online for free by their writers and artists.  It’s really a cool concept to me.  These people have basically cut out the need for big publishers and have taken it into their own hands to get their material out to their readers.  I’m hugely into anything that gives giant corporations a big fat middle finger and these guys do just that.

                Quick note before we go:  Did anyone else follow the story about that politician who sent pictures of his “privates” over his cell phone and facebook?  His name was Weiner!  WEINER!  I can not believe that newspaper headlines didn’t at least TRY to make use of that. 

                Keep you stick on the ice, guys.

                                -Costello

                P.S.  Do I really have to say it?  Follow me and Share me! 

Link for Octopus Pie:
http://www.octopuspie.com/

Link for Questionable Content:
http://questionablecontent.net/index.php

Beaters, not Beamers.

                Breaking News!  Wild kitten caught in stairwell!  But first, This dude with the hair will say some stuff about things! 

                Before I get into the meat of todays post, I’d like to give a quick heads up to a really great music video by Bruno Mars.  Yeah.  I never thought I’d write that sentence either, but there’s a first time for everything.  There’s a really nice feel good song called The Lazy Song out right now.  I heard it on my way to work the other day and just had to look up the video to hear it again.  After watching the normal video, it had guys in monkey costumes shoving their hands down their pants, I found something GREAT.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dULOjT9GYdQ&NR=1

                It’s called the “alternate version” but as far as my two cents go this should have been the only video made.  So funny!  If you recognize the old man, you totes get cool points from me.  He’s such a legend!

                I drive a car from the seventies.  Sometimes it makes funny noises, sometimes smoke comes out of the hood, but I always feel great driving it.  It is my baby.  A while back I did a paintjob on this car, my father leading the charge with his wealth of mechanical know-how.  Flat black with scallops, it was.  For those of you who have poor picture-makers (Imaginations) it looks MEAN.  Upon finishing this paintjob, my dad gave me this line of sage-like advice:  “I know this is cool.  You know this is cool.  But there are going to be assholes that are going to hate on this.”  Yesterday this happened.  And I had fun with it.

                I pulled up to my usual parking place outside of work and this old lady had just parked with a brand new two seater beamer convertible.  If there’s one thing that I’ve noticed in my life as far as “cool cars” it’s that there is always going to be a certain group of people driving a certain kind of “cool car.”  My car would be considered a “rat rod.”  These are driven by the folks who know how to make something on the cheap and want it to look bad ass.  Beamers, Corvettes, and Porches all fall under the “well off people” category.  In other words, people who have enough money to drive these.  In other words OLD PEOPLE, and often rich ones at that. 

                Having said that this Rich Old Lady was standing next to her currently topless car and gave me that sneer.  You know that sneer that someone has when they know deep down in their sludgy heart that they have instantly decided that they are better than you?  Yeah.  That sneer.  I peered through my aviators at the woman confused and went on my way.  Her leather seats did indeed look quite nice under that blue sky.

                I went in, said hello to my buddy at work, and then wandered around for a little while with him.  (Us being the lazy lumps that we are.)  After a little while we wandered outside.  I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced Michigan weather before, but it tends to be rather…. “fickle.”  In the short time that we had been inside sweet mama allah had decided to bring rain down on us by the buckets and we waited it out inside of a coffee shop.  When the rain passed I waltzed on over to my car.  There was miss prissy with a few rags cleaning out a bunch of water from inside that brand new beamer.  Obviously she didn’t know how to press the button to make the roof go up.  Some people…  

                You know that gleeful look that you give someone you hate when something bad happens to them?  Yeah.  That look.  I may or may not have flashed that grin to her while I peeled out of my parking spot.  She looked so silly in my rearview mirror.

                We’re hipsters.  We’re hippies.  We’re rockers.  Our looks may not always get us respect, but karma can be a bitch when it needs to be.

                Hugs N Kisses,

                                -Costello

                P.S.  Many thanks to all of you who have been giving me the awesome feedback.  I love hearing from you guys.  Feel free to use the comments here as well. 

                P.P.S.  This baby’s spread by word of mouth.  Linking me to people you know would be ever so sweet!

                P.P.P.S.  And finally as always, CLICK THAT FOLLOW BUTTON!  Don’t be shy!  We drive beaters, not beamers!

Opening up a can of Awesome.

                Did you hear that?  Those were crickets chirping.  How about we drown out that sound by opening up a can of awesome?

                Yeah, it’s been a while and I’d like to take this time to apologize for my absence.  Between moving, getting back to the grind in Flint, and various other projects I just kind of let this beast slip through the cracks.  Fear not.  I’m raising the jolly roger once more.  I’ve decided to take the Bones off of hiatus and add a little more structure to it.  The blog will now be updating twice a week: Mondays and Thursdays.  As always, previous articles will be kept up here for your enjoyment and amusement, just click the tabs, or scroll down depending on what screen you’re viewing.

                Back to the grind!  What’s been up internet?  Summer’s in full swing right now, the birds are chirping, the sky is blue, and for once Michigan isn’t a total hoe-bag.  (Audible Squee!)  Of course the summer has brought with it quite a bit of new and interesting things both musically and otherwise.  The first of which has been chomping at me for several weeks now.  Have you guys heard this Adele chick?  I’d like to start this off by saying that modern popular music is generally something I avoid at all costs.  It’s financially driven rubbish for the most part and I just can’t bring myself to like something that was engineered to make money, but this…  I guess I feel dirty saying it, but I really enjoy this.  The girl is from Europe, but sings like she’s from the glorious south.  I don’t mean Hank Williams south, I mean John Lee Hooker south.  The big hit song right now is called Rollin in the Deep.  Very good.  To whoever came up with this: well done.  You have pleased me.  More importantly though, I really appreciate the public actually liking it.  It’s not every day that a song with such real bluesy feeling gets airtime here.  It’s even rarer that such a song is listened to during said airtime.  Well done.

                On to other news.  I heard through the rumor mill that the band Halestorm had broken up.  This was of course from the knowledgeable gentleman that works at a t-shirt booth.  After checking not only their facebook and myspace pages, but also their official band page, I have yet to see any real trouble lurking.  Of course, maybe t-shirt man knows something that the internet does not.  It’s happened before.

                I’d like to take this time to further expand my nerd-apeal.  I’ve been playing the new installment of American McGees Alice, which is quite the fine game, indeed.  I would like to take this moment to voice a bit of outrage, however.  When I press the A button, you’re supposed to jump.  When I tap it twice, you’re supposed to jump higher.  Here’s an idea:  Why don’t you do that?  Maybe then you wouldn’t have died eighty billion times and you could have saved both me AND you a good hour on that last level.  Beastly!

                 

                Well that’s our show today, thanks for reading.  As always I’d like to remind you that this blog is spread largely through word of mouth, and google.  Hey google readers.  What’s up?    I’d also like to point out the fact that the more followers that I have, the more validated I feel.  My life has meaning thanks to you lemmings.  You’re sweet hearts.  Really.  Click that follow button for me will ya? :)

                Toodles Folks.  See ya Thursday.

                                -Costello