Bears N Bones!

For those of you just joining us, Welcome to the Bones!  Today:  Bears!  Natures Guard Dogs! 

                So my friend was worried about men coming to her house on dates.  She was afraid that they would try to take advantage of her, you see.  I had the perfect way to give her safety and security, and just in case any of you ever find yourself in need of an anti-rape tool, I will share it here.

                Get a pet bear.  Feed it, water it, give it a closet to live in, and label that closet “Bear.”  Perhaps put a happy face on the door or something.  When a particularly creepy man somehow worms his way up, simply open the door, let the bear do what bears do to him, and you’re golden!  You don’t even have to clean up the mess.  It’s a freaking bear.  It’ll just eat it.  

                Now bears are not to be confused with elephants.  Bears, you see, are capable of empathy.  Elephants are not.  Elephants were engineered by the gods for one singular purpose:  To be a killing machine.  Tusks?  Massive barbs of impalement.  Giant brain?  All the better to hate all living things with.  Teeth the size of my fist?  How else would they consume their steady diet of man flesh?  Yes.  Elephants are very ferocious, indeed and not to be trusted.  Stay away at all costs.

                A final note on bears:  Be certain not to purchase a panda.  These Wisconsin natives have evolved for one simple purpose:  Killing and feasting upon cows.  You see, pandas were at one time mere polar bears who migrated to Wisconsin in the early Pleistocene Period after a northern blowing wind brought to their noses the sweet smell of cow flesh.  On arriving to Wisconsin, land of cows, they realized exactly how foolish these animals were that they were pursuing.  They painted black spots on themselves to better blend in with their quarry.  Throughout the ages the ink gradually was genetically integrated into their DNA and they developed the spots naturally mere hours after birth.  Pandas are dangerous, devious, and not to be trusted.  Stick with the teddy bear of the bear kingdom:  The loyal Grizzly!

                Much Love,

                                -Costello

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